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Here’s the thing I’ve learned in the past few months. Blogging is a lot like friendship. Both can be killed by dishonesty.

You see, something happens when you’re used to being fully transparent and you decide to dial it back. This big huge elephant enters the room. And it won’t leave no matter what. And suddenly talking about other things just seems pointless when there is this big huge thing you’re avoiding talking about. And so, you stop talking as much. Or at all.

I’ve got my own elephant in the room with me lately. Something I’ve been keeping from you. Something I’ve been keeping from lots of people, actually.

It’s nothing horrible or tragic or terribly dramatic. But its a secret I’ve had nonetheless. And secrets, as it turns out, are bad for blogging business.

Here’s my secret:

After a less than wonderful (and totally unnecessary) induction with our first child and two follow-up C-sections, we are attempting to have a home birth this time around.

Wow. Those words look a lot less scary on the page then I imagined.

Home births are controversial stuff. And there is a certain segment of the population that is nearly guaranteed to think you’ve lost your ever-loving mind if you decide to have one. (Hi, mom!) If you’re having one after two C-sections people tend to think you’re even crazier. (Though even ACOG is endorsing a trial of labor after 2 C-sections now.) And, so, I haven’t said anything about it to you guys. Or anyone else for that matter.

After we decided to go with a home birth, my plan was not to tell anyone unless they specifically asked. My response to the question of where we were having the baby was always, “Well, the OB who backs up my midwife delivers at such & such hospital. So, if we use him it looks like we’ll be there.” Not a lie. But not 100% the truth.

But, here’s the thing. I hate keeping secrets. It feels so much like lying. And 7 months of home birth prep have been interesting. There is a ton of fantastic blog material just waiting to burst out from this type of experience. It’s just hard to talk about when you don’t relish the idea of people thinking you’re a lunatic. I’ve explained it this way to the few people I’ve actually fessed up to – I’m crazy enough to think this is a great idea and mainstream enough to realize how crazy it sounds. Its not a comfortable place to be in.

Nonetheless, I’m trying for a home birth. And, despite my reluctance to shout it from the rooftops, I’m thrilled as can be about it. And nervous. And praying I can actually accomplish it without having to go into the hospital mid-labor. In other words, there has been a lot on my mind.

By this point, you’ve probably fallen into one of three groups. 1) People who think I’m insane. 2) People who think I’m doing a great thing for my baby. 3) People who wonder what they ‘re doing on this blog in the first place. If you’re in one of these groups, believe me I can totally relate. I’ve thought all those things at one time or another.

In the end, this is the choice we are going with. My prenatal care has been nothing short of amazing and the only thing I feel has been lacking is the frustration of sitting for hours in a doctor’s waiting room only to be rushed through my appointment. I’ve had ultrasounds, lab work, necessary blood tests and everything I would have gotten in a more “normal” situation. I truly believe my midwife is an incredibly capable woman and my faith in her is absolute. Now, I just need to work on having faith in my own body’s ability to birth this baby. After three births full of medical interventions it is taking a lot of reprogramming to understand how birth actually works and to redefine my ideas of normal. But, it has been an amazing learning experience and regardless of whether we have a successful home birth or end up in a hospital due to circumstances beyond our control this process has been both educational and empowering. It isn’t a journey that is for everyone but it is the right journey for me at this time in my life. And I can’t wait to follow it through to its completion.

I should mention that it took me 30 minutes to write this but an entire week to work up the nerve to hit publish. I can be such a scaredy-cat  about honesty sometimes…

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