So much has happened in the last 3 weeks. So much. New baby. Easter. Birthdays. And lots and lots of life. I’ve been meaning to post pics and an update for a while. But I’ve been busy.
Let me just say that being home alone during the day with 4 kids has been both wonderful and exhausting. I’ve never felt more outnumbered than I do lately but at the same time I’ve never felt more like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Despite my struggles with postpartum depression after each pregnancy, there is also a part of me that feels more alive right after bringing a new baby into the house than ever before in my life. That is certainly true now. I’m tired. I’ve been sore from recovery. The kids are wild. Coordinating naps and schoolwork has been a nightmare. Traveler has been whiny and jealous and needs constant holding. But despite all of the challenges there is something about all of this that feels so right. It just feels natural for us.
There are moments when Thomas and I look at each other and think, “Hey, we might actually be able to pull this off. We may actually be able to do this whole ‘parenting a big family’ thing.” There are other days, too. But, I prefer to focus on the ones where we are victorious. No matter how small those victories may seem.
And I know I’ve said this before, but I hope we’re not done with new babies. Because these moments? They are blissful. But even more blissful are those days when the kids are playing together or laughing at the dinner table or running through the backyard like wild savages and screaming gleefully. The days of a full are house are so joyful to me.
When I tell people I’d like to have one more I mostly get looked at like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have. But, I tend to believe that sanity is overrated really. Because this? This craziness? This is where I want to be. Even when I’m fairly certain the inmates are running the asylum. It’s where I belong.
Our family has become such a team lately. Everyone has a part to play. Everyone has a job. And each person is so important. So essential. And I feel like a grown-up. But in a good way. Not a “hey you need eye cream and to color your gray hair” kind of way. Though I probably do need to invest in a good under eye cream and I definitely found a wiry white hair buried on my head the other day. I feel like I’m coming into my own, I guess. It’s taken me almost 32 years to feel like I know who I am (or at least who I am becoming) and it feels good to be in a place where I feel true to myself. I realize my job as a mother is to teach my kids about life, the universe, and everything but in reality they are the teachers so much of the time. I’ve learned who I am by being their mother. I’ve learned a lot about my strengths and even more about my weaknesses. And I’ve learned that being human and admitting to my faults and failures doesn’t make me less of a mother. It makes me a better mother.
Most of all, I feel a very holy sense of responsibility for the lives in my care. I think most parents would tell you that whether you have one child at home or ten, being a parent is such a sacred thing. It is filled with mystery and wonder and love and frustration and challenge and ease and it is a hundred feelings rolled up into one package. And the love is overwhelming. And the love is what keeps you going. Even on days when you feel depleted to your core.
I think that’s where I’m resting right now. When I’m tired, when I’m frustrated, when I’m questioning whether I can do all of this well, I am remembering how much I love these little people in my care. And when things get crazy that love is enough to make every wild moment worth it.
That and being able to capture pictures like these for future blackmailing…